Hind’s Feet on High Places

 I have a story to tell. But I can only reveal some of it to a public blog. So, I shall merely provide a few examples of precious, mysteriously precious spiritual experiences I have been entrusted with over a period of several years, even decades. Something this precious needs to be guarded, at least for a time, until it is ready to be unveiled.  So, I have a story to tell, a story that God is writing into my life and is in many ways quite unbelievable. Because my story is so intensely personal, and so thoroughly biblical, some may not receive it well. Therefore I will merely dip a toe in the waters of revelation, to the likely consternation of some of my readers. 

I mean, after all, not everyone believes the Bible. But I certainly do. Space does not allow for all the many twists and turns and God has weaved into my own sufferings and joys, but after observing the things God has shown and taught me over the years, I can attest personally that His Word is true. In this blog entry, I will explain how He has done this, and I will also explain how He instructed me to learn His Word and wield it as the penetrating holy weapon that it is, the Sword of the Spirit. His Holy Word, when spoken, has the might and transcendent power to tear down all the pernicious and wicked kingdoms and edifices of  the god of this age, who is Satan himself. I will demonstrate how the Lord has taught me to engage this vigorous battle in my own life. I hope it is encouraging for others.

To begin this tale of God’s work in my life, I go back to October 22, 1998. I met the Lord that day. I was exhausted in my life, and I broke down and crumbled to my knees, hearing Jesus knock on the door of my heart. With feeble and trembling fingers, my hand struggled to pry open the latch of my laboring heart, and I tearfully whimpered, “Yes, Jesus, please come in.” That night passed, and I remember feeling drained and apprehensive  of what had just taken place. I understood that Christ had been calling me, wooing me over the last year and a half, as I foolishly partied, drank, occasionally smoked pot (something I didn’t actually enjoy), and swore like a sailor. I did not deserve Jesus’ sweet beckonings, but gradually He was melting me to the point where I found myself sharing Him with fraternity brothers and anyone I happened to engage in deep conversation. I’m ashamed to say that I was probably smoking a bowl or drinking ale as I “opened the Scriptures.” Ugh. I can’t say I was a solid witness for Christ. I was a hypocrite, plain and simple.

But the next day, October 23rd, I was at my parents house, watching television while eating dinner. After sharing with my aunt on the phone how I had given my life to Jesus the day before, she prayed for me that God would reveal Himself to me as my “Abba”, or “daddy”. I thanked her and hung up the phone. Forty five minutes later, in between bites of food, I felt a warm, pervasively tender love enter my body like pure, warm liquid, coursing through every vein of every appendage and finally filling my chest, gently squeezing my heart. Tears flooded my eyes. I could not hold them back. I could not even bring my fork to my mouth. I set down my fork and told my mom that God was talking to me. I told her how sweet His communication was. Looking back, I could perceive that this moment of encounter with the Love of Christ was an actual Prodigal Son experience. I had come home to God, and He was embracing me tenderly and showering me with kisses. This was my welcome into His Kingdom. And I said to my mom, “Mom, He’s talking to me.” And after that, I heard Him distinctly whisper into the caverns of my heart. He said this: “I will protect you.” 

I had no understanding of why He said that, but in retrospect I can see what He meant. I would undergo many vicious battles with the powers of darkness and I can name a couple times where it felt my life was targeted. But, returning to my encounter with Christ, I must say that, for months, I was absolutely in a rapture of intimate love with the Savior. I was so deeply in love with Christ that He was all I could think about. Major difficulty was about to start in early 1999, but first, the experience of a lifetime would come into my world in early January. That afternoon found me on my bed, praying, or just laying there; I don’t really remember which. But I certainly recall vividly what happened next. 

As I lay on my bed, a Presence began to surround me. It was strong and full of might and unearthly power. I gently fell into a trance of sorts as the fire of the Holy Spirit began to burn through me, filling me with ecstasy. I don’t know if my eyes were opened or closed, but it didn’t matter. I realized that I was in an otherworldly state, where all I could see was a vision that was starting to form. I must be clear at this point, and say that I was not under the influence of any drug or medication at this time. I was fully aware of myself during this encounter, and I had full use of my faculties. I knew where I was, and what was happening. I was of sober mind. And I was aware that God was being careful to make sure I knew that. But as the power of God grew stronger, I was increasingly aware that God was imparting to me a vision, a divine visitation. I was absolutely undone by the sheer holy terror of His grand holiness and purity. I felt His purifying presence burning out the dross in my body, and I was aware of my sinfulness but did not feel an ounce of condemnation. Instead, I was keenly aware of His love, but also His tremendous goodness, so good indeed that it was shocking. I had never experienced anything like this; it was Almighty God pulling me close. I literally felt I would explode if it grew any more intense. In joyous rapture mixed with unspeakable holy fear, I shook and remember saying to the Lord, “O my strength.” At the most intense moment, the absolute apex of the Divine Power’s impartation, I quietly heard the Lord ask, “Will you serve me?”

I think I said yes. If I didn’t, I was certainly thinking it. But the most amazing thing of all happened immediately after the Lord uttered that glorious request. I beheld a vision of the Lord Jesus Christ, sitting on His holy throne, dressed in a red, deeply crimson robe and wearing a crown on His head. I didn’t see Him up close, but I certainly knew it was Him. He had brown hair and a brown beard. And He had something in His hand. He extended His arm towards me, and something came forth from his hand, gently but persistently approaching me until it was right up to my face. It was a brilliant, gorgeous, gloriously glittering jewel. And as the image of Jesus faded, the jewel took it’s place and it was all I could see. I remember saying, “What is it, Lord?” He didn’t answer. But He didn’t need to. I knew it was a jewel, clear as crystal. But what did it mean? I didn’t know at the time for sure, but I knew that Jesus was somehow communicating to me that I was the jewel. I was His precious possession. And after two decades of various forms of suffering (which I can’t get into now), I see what the Lord meant. Firstly, He has a purpose for me and a calling. “Will you serve me?” He was calling me to the future. And secondly, I was going to be healed and purged through the furnace of affliction until I was cut like a gem of infinite preciousness to the Lord Almighty. Yes, God loves you that much. I was fortunate to have such a soul shaking experience. I saw the Lord Himself. And I experienced His deep love in that moment. I remember likening the experience to being held in the arms of an enormous giant, who you fearfully believe will crush your body with one touch. Only this giant was not clumsy. He was not threatening. He was, in spite of all of His overwhelming power, unspeakably gentle. 

This experience was the tip top of the mountain. It was the best day of my life. When the Lord’s Presence left and the vision faded, I ran out of my room to look for my parents to tell them what had happened. I told my sister and her friend Amy. I didn’t care if nobody believed me; I was emboldened by the Spirit, and I knew what had happened and that God was indeed very real. At this point, I want to provide two quick examples from Scripture that parallel what happened to me that day. The first is from Isaiah 6:1-8. In this passage, the prophet Isaiah is receiving his divine commission to be a prophet to the nations. The Lord Jesus in all His glory appears to Isaiah in a vision:

“In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord, high and exalted, seated on a throne; and the train of His robe filled the temple. Above Him were seraphim, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. And they were calling to one another:

                            “Holy, holy, holy is the Lord almighty; the whole earth is full of His glory.”

At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke. “Woe to me!’ I cried. “I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty.”….. “Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?”  And I said, “Here am I. Send me!”

We see in this amazing passage that Isaiah’s vision of the Lord and the heavenly host around Him was very undoing for Isaiah. I’m not suggesting that my calling and vision were as important as his, but I do want to point out that my vision of Christ was a little bit similar, but obviously very different as well. I did not see seraphim or cherubim, nor did I see doorposts shaking and smoke rising from the glory of God. But I did witness Jesus on His throne. And I could somewhat relate to Isaiah’s experience of being “ruined”. I indeed experienced the Lord’s majestic and overpowering holiness, and, in a similar but less indirect way (as in Isaiah’s case), the Lord also asked me to serve Him. 

I want to point out one more quick passage, this one from Revelation 19. This is a vision of the messiah, Jesus, in all His vast glory, as He is in His heavenly dwelling, ready to return to the earth at the end of time. He is not returning as the suffering Servant, but as the Lion and the Lamb, the conquering Almighty God of the universe who will defeat His archenemy Satan and renew His creation in a massive display of His sovereign power. He is described here in this chapter as the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, the Rider of the white horse who is called “Faithful and True.” The description I want to highlight is this: “He is dressed in a robe dipped in blood, and His Name is the Word of God.” I simply mention this verse because  it says that Jesus is dressed in a crimson robe, dipped in blood. That is exactly how I saw Him, as well. I am just pointing out that my vision of Jesus has scriptural support. And that is really, really cool.

Right around the time I saw this vision, I was put in touch with a Christian counselor named Marlene Brubaker. Marlene had a gift where she could communicate with Christ, as in He would speak to her in words sometimes that she would hear not in her ears but down deep in her spirit. This was an amazing gift God had given her. When we got acquainted during a phone call, she suddenly said, “This is from the Lord, Dan.” And she then received a word of knowledge from Christ about my future. She told me God would release me someday and give me a lot of joy, and that I would have an “easy relationship with Jesus”, where “He just loves me, and I just love Him,” and that He would communicate with me the way He did with Marlene. She also said I would have an “easy ministry” with young people, and I would be used to speak and teach them about my easy relationship with Christ. This of course blew me away when I heard it. I hadn’t even met Marlene before this.

I can say that the easy relationship with Christ—being on speaking terms with Him—has already been fulfilled. God has spoken to my heart in a way that I could hear what He was saying “deep in my spirit”, with the “ears of my heart” several times over the 22 years that have passed since this prophecy. In 2002 I had a dream where He said clearly, “I love you, Danny.” I didn’t see anything, and I wasn’t currently having a dream, though I was asleep. God just simply said this and I heard it while sleeping. I was very touched. Our God certainly comes down to our level and loves to endear us to Him. He is unlike any other god of any other religion. He gets down and dirty with us and woos our hearts with His tender love. I am so grateful that He is like this.

Around 2004, I received a confirmation of what Marlene had prophesied over my life. I decided to attend, by myself, a Wednesday night church service at Eastside Foursquare Church in Bothell. I sat toward the back of the auditorium, and  before Jim Hayford came up front to deliver his sermon, a young man walked onto the stage and said something like, “We need help with the junior-highers ministry, so if you are interested in signing up, please do so in the foyer after the service.” After he said this, I heard a voice from behind me say, “Why don’t you do that?”  I can’t explain how I heard this voice. I heard it behind me but it seemed to be a spiritual voice that could only be heard in the spiritual realm. It didn’t go through the ear-gate, is what I am trying to say. Stunned, I looked around and behind me to see who said it. Nobody was there. I then knew it was the Lord. I also knew when He said it that He meant in the future. He wasn’t telling me to do it right away. He was confirming Marlene’s prophecy and preparing me for a later time. That time hasn’t arrived just yet, but it’s coming.

I want to wrap up this post by fast-forwarding to 2009. After three years of graduate school for psychology, which I was struggling to finish, God called me out of that field into something new and unexpected. I was further from God during those years than I had ever been, though I still prayed and tried to stay in touch with Him. I was a slave to various idolatries and sins, and He needed to cut through the fray and seize my attention. As it turned out, I owned simply too many books, too many DVD’s and too much music. I bought these things with gusto, blowing money in addictive spending. I would hardly even read the books I bought. I simply bought all this stuff to fill a hole in my heart that God should have been filling. But I did own one book that God wanted me to read. It’s called “Hind’s feet on High Places”, by Hannah Hurnard. It is a Christian classic about one tormented girl and the healing journey the Chief Shepherd leads her on. I had never read it and it had been gathering dust on the shelf. In fact, I probably forgot I even owned it. How God told me to read it is interesting indeed.

It happened like this: one day I was at my friend Steve’s apartment, sitting at his desk using his computer when all of a sudden, in my mind’s eye, I saw a vision of this book quickly flash as a prompting from the Lord. This was the first time among a few different occasions when He did this for me. I would see something flash in my mind’s eye, and I could see it even though I was already using my normal eyes for normal sight. For example, I could be driving, with my eyes on the road, and even though my sight would be fixated on the street, I could also at the same time see the vision God would give me. And I firmly believe this is a gift that God will use in me in the future. At any rate, He had supernaturally prompted me to dust off this book and read it. I knew at this point that God was onto something big in my life, and had completely turned me around towards a new destination. I was suddenly thrust into a world of complete and utter dependence on Him. 

So, in faith I obeyed Him and read the book over a period of about three months. It was truly a most enchanting read and a powerfully anointed book deeply rooted in Scripture. It was about a petrified girl with a crooked mouth and feet, beset by all kinds of phobias and tormented with all kinds of insecurities and fears and tortured by her family, the “Fearings”, who lived in the “Valley of Humiliation.” The book is an allegory that is rooted in the Bible verse “He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; He enables me to go upon the heights.” (Psalm 18:35) This verse is a metaphor for “spiritual resilience”, or a kind of God-given fortitude. This poor creature’s name is Much-Afraid, and one day The Chief Shepherd, Who happens to be Jesus Christ, invites her to go on a healing journey to the “high places”, the Kingdom of Love, where she will be given her hind’s feet and skip like the most agile of deer, healed of her pains and torments and supplied with the ability to conquer evil by extinguishing it in the law of love. Much-Afraid endures many injuries and hardships along the way to the high places, and she has enemies who try to get her to turn back. These resemble Satan’s demons who want her so very much to stay where she is. They try everything possible to get her to turn back. They do not ultimately succeed, and Much-Afraid eventually makes it to the top, where Jesus changes her name to Grace and Glory. And Jesus counsels her the whole way. His guiding hand is seen even when it is unseen. He promises her that He will not let anything keep her from reaching the goal. And He ultimately transforms her.

While I was reading the book, shuffling off to Starbucks quite often to do so, I was aware that I was not feeling good. I had been struggling with anxiety and debilitating depression off and on over the years, and it was clear that I had a pervasive sense of fear and shame. So, God was calling me into a journey based on this book, and my journey would follow the script of Much-Afraid. How creative of God to do such a thing for me! He comes into my life, cuts it from a new cloth, and actually is interested enough in me to tell me to read a Christian classic and begin a healing process based on it. I must emphasize, again, that the only true God, the One of the Bible, is unlike any other god in that He truly cares to interact with us as His children. He is full of humility and powerful love. It is a wonder, as I’ve come to know over these twenty-some years. 

Right around the time I began to read Hind’s feet, my mom had recommended a healing ministry called Theophostic prayer ministry, a method of “healing prayer”, where someone could pray with a couple of trained prayer warriors who would invite the Holy Spirit to heal painful memories or release people from bondages. I had been struggling at this point with major anxiety and depression, and it was clear that I needed to get help. I am so grateful to my mom for referring me to this program, because it turned out to be an incredibly important turning point in my life. I met over a course of several months with a couple of trained healing prayer warriors, named Robin and Paula. We would pray and invite the Lord to shine a light on what might be going on. Robin had a gifting just like Marlene had, where the Lord would give her words of knowledge and prophecy on my behalf. I was also becoming aware that I was increasingly embroiled in a spiritual battle with the demonic realm, and I was feeling my body be physically assaulted at times and was even having sleep problems. When in these prayer sessions, demons would show up and spin around me like a tornado and push down on my head and neck. We would rebuke them, and they would often leave. But they always came back eventually. One night, however, when this was happening, God showed up in a major way. When we were praying, I had my eyes closed and Robin suddenly received a prompting from God and said, “Dan, the Lord is handing you a weapon, can you see what it is?”

The second after she said that, I saw, with my eyes closed, a powerful, razor sharp, brilliantly gleaming white sword. It was so sharp that I could feel it, and I pulled my fingers away from the sensation. Immediately after the sword was handed to me, I felt the eternal, unbelievably powerful presence of God at my right hand. The concept was this: God was arming me with the Sword of the Spirit, the written word of God (the Bible), and was saying, “Danny, read and get to know my word, use it against Satan’s attacks, and I will be with you….indeed, at your right hand.” I must say, this was a remarkable experience. God had been so active in my life!  First visions, prophecies, book-reading, and now this! 

As that prayer session finished, Robin told me that God had told her that He wanted to give me a new name: FREEDOM. And this was just after I had been told to read about Much-Afraid, and the fact that God was going to give HER a new name. Robin told me she didn’t know about Hind’s feet on High places. It was amazing to behold how God was orchestrating all of these events so that He could start me on this healing journey. This journey would be one of healing and deliverance from Satan. And it would take a long time, just as did Much-Afraid’s did. And indeed, to this very day, I am still ascending the mountain. But I’m getting closer to the end, and those who are close to me know what has transpired over the last ten years and how difficult and arduous the journey has been at times. The FREEDOM is coming, and it has been gradual. Like Much-afraid, I have been beset by many phobias and insecurities for a long time. But God is chopping them down, bit by bit. I also need to mention, before I forget, that earlier in the healing prayer sessions, when I first started the process, a man (whose name I can’t remember) who was in our group told me that he, like me, had once experienced a vision of Jesus on the throne. And Robin said that God had shown her through revelation that I was a jewel to Him. Wow. So many little “coincidences”!

In early 2010, after the Hind’s feet book had been devoured and I was understanding more and more what God was leading me towards, God asked me to do something radical and, for me at that time, extremely painful. He told me I needed to part with my idols. My books, my music, my dvds. Those things that I was absolutely unbridled towards, in terms of spending. Towering stacks of unread books lined the walls of my bedroom. DVDs stacked to the ceiling. Buying, buying, buying. It all surrounded me, as if I was in my own little poisonous oasis, surrounded by my first loves. After confessing to the Lord that for years I had put these idols in His place, and after seeing a vision of Jesus Himself offering the books to heaven, the books leaving His cupped hands and floating heavenward, I gave in. I was scared to do something so radical, to cut off an appendage which I had found so comforting over the years. But it was clear. In order to set me free and heal me, the Lord first had to have my full attention, my complete devotion, without a rival in the way. So, I tried to obey but found myself resisting Him. I was in the process of moving out of my uncle’s house into a new house with friends. And so I had the books all packed into boxes, and I moved them into my new digs. I still hadn’t gotten rid of them. And the Lord was pushing me. He was not going to let me win this battle of wills. I heard Him say to me, “If you only knew what I have planned for you.” At that, I realized I was holding the whole process of healing up, and I consented to His demands. There was no possible way I could continue to resist His will. And, in hindsight, I am so glad I did not!

There is one more thing. This thing is somewhat disturbing, but I consider it a high honor, in the oddest way possible. One day in June of 2010, well-established in my new journey and set on my new course—completely surrendered to the Lord, I found myself walking to Barnes and Noble bookstore in my neighborhood. I obviously had sold all of my possessions (books, music, dvds), and I was struggling with a hankering to buy some more books, even though I knew I shouldn’t. I ended up wisely deciding not to. It would be blatant disobedience. I needed to let some time pass so I could concentrate on God and His plan for me. But first, something very chilling happened, on my way into the store. As I was walking along the sidewalk parallel to the entrance, approaching the front door, I noticed a young girl approaching, walking along the same sidewalk, only coming toward me. This girl must have been twenty years old. She looked a mess; dressed in punk-rocker rags, half of her head shaved, dark, sinister make-up and blue-dyed hair. Piercings everywhere. She was a dark-looking customer, as if she were some kind of witch. Maybe she was. 

As I was just steps away from the door, she brushed beside me, not even looking at me, but straight ahead.  As I reached for the door handle, I heard something beyond eerie pass her lips: “You better not open that door. You better watch out for me.” Wow. I knew at that moment that a demon had spoken through her, speaking on behalf of the devil himself. I would not be so bold as to say that satan was there with us, just happening to make his rounds in the Bellevue area. But a virulent spirit likely used her as a medium to deliver a menacing demonic message, aimed square at the seat of my emotions like a fiery dart from hell. I knew, when this happened, that I was onto something big. God will use me someday, and satan thought it worthwhile to let me know I was his target and that he was coming. And I can honestly say that though he is a liar and the father of lies, in a perverse way he was telling the truth at that moment. I cannot go into it here, but those closest to me know what he has put me through these eleven years since. He has opposed me at every turn, and God has turned every wicked thing he has done and turned it for my good. Satan is frightened at the prospect of me getting free from his grasp. I know that the Lord has a big plan for me ahead, which is why satan would consider opposing me time well-spent. Satan is a slave to his nature. His nature is pure rebellion, and he simply has to oppose every little vestige of God’s work on this earth. Satan is quite robotic in this respect.

There is SO much more to my story, so many things I am leaving out. They are simply too precious to me to reveal in a public blog. But I think I’ve generously sketched out the overall gist, and it has been my pleasure to do so. I am still on this journey to the high places, and those who know me best can see the work Christ has done in strengthening me and shaping my character. The key promises God has made are these: to make me a pressure-borne jem and to give me the name FREEDOM, reflecting a new status in my life. Freedom to serve and obey Christ and forever enjoy the preciousness of His fellowship. And this I also must add: God would not be admonishing me to learn how to wield the great sword, God’s word, if He didn’t want me to share it in some way someday.

I was reading tonight one of my favorite theologians, the venerable English baptist preacher Charles Haddon Spurgeon, also fondly known as the “Prince of Preachers”. As I immersed myself in Spurgeon’s sermon on “God’s jewels”, I seized on a passage written in his characteristically inimitable form. He says:

“Our God sets great value upon those whom he calls His jewels, as we may gather, not only from their costly redemption, but from the fact that all providence is but a wheel upon which to polish and perfect them. Those stupendous wheels, which Ezekiel saw, were but a part of the machinery of the great lapidary by which He cuts the facets of His true brilliants, and makes His diamonds ready for His crown; for is it not written that “all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose.?” The Lord values His people very highly; not only the rich among them, not only the most gracious among them, but the very least and most unworthy believers are Jehovah’s jewels.”

Amen. Like I have said already, there is so very much that I have left out of my story in this epistle. But I write this for God’s brilliant glory to be displayed in my life, and I am so grateful to Him for including me in His plan. I hope that I have demonstrated through these experiences that the true God, the Eternal Yahweh, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, cares deeply for those He has created and is immeasurably interested in every detail of our lives, if we will let Him into those places. We spend far too much time in the dark, running from Christ. His love is deep, and the fact that He places His jewels into His crown is a symbol of glorious, passionate love for His people and the high dignity that He places on them. I hope that my readers will consider accepting Him as their loving Savior. Life may be tough, but I’d rather do life with Christ’s fellowship and help than do it alone. The relationship He forges with you only multiplies the wellsprings of ever-increasing joy, which echo onward into eternity.